An Evil henchwoman tending the engine of horror, yesterday

TEHRAN, IRAN: The Axis of Evil Supervillains’ Working Committee on World Domination (incorporating Destruction, Blackmail and Kitten Drowning) yesterday declared CERN’s Large Hadron Collider this year’s Most Disappointing Superweapon, in what must be seen as a massive disappointment for the multinational particle physics study group.

Citing “not destroying the world” as the primary reason for the damning verdict on the most celebrated weapon of mass destruction, Axis spokesman and glovepuppet Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said of the multi-billion dollar installation, “Never before have so many cowered in fear before so little. This makes our Millennium Bug scheme seem like a shining vision of excellence in comparison. I’m reet scunnered”.

Head CERN boffin Robert Aymar responded, “We never said it would destroy the world. That’s a misconception propagated by the media from a few crackpot pseudoscientists that ought to know better. It’s going to severely fuck up a few subatomic particles, but the world’s going to be fine”. When pressed on the issue, he admitted that one threat against the world had been made, but it was “a drunken mistake” on the part of installation janitor Gordon Freeman, who “very much regrets the error” and stated that it should not be taken as official CERN policy.

The LHC beat out stiff competition for the coveted failure award from Bobby Ball’s Dreaded Marshmallow Cannon and the Distraction Bomb, an asymmetric warfare device developed by DARPA to instil a sense of having left the oven on across a field of operation. DARPA chief Donald Anderson could not be contacted for comment as this article went to press.