Damon: star craves dino info

Further news has emerged this afternoon that police in Scotland may be investigating Hollywood star Matt Damon in connection with the vicious beating of Glasgow Celtic football club coach Neil Lennon. Lennon was brutally attacked on Glasgow’s Ashton Lane shortly after midnight on August 31st and left unconscious by the perpetrators.

The news of Damon’s alleged involvement follows this morning’s Top Banana exclusive that implicated him in the hacking of U.S Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s private email account by a notorious group calling themselves Anonymous. It is believed Damon may have bankrolled the group’s activities in order to verify claims that Palin, widely acknowledged as a Creationist, was harbouring sensitive information relating to dinosaurs.

Strathclyde police were originally treating the case as a “childish sectarian issue”, with Celtic having lost a match to their arch rivals Glasgow Rangers just hours before the attack, but Detective Sergeant Scott Douglas, leading the enquiry, indicated just hours ago that Damon’s incessant craving for dino-related information may have been behind the attack.

“Witnesses at a city centre bar had reported seeing Mr. Lennon in an innebriated state earlier in the week.” said Douglas. “A number of individuals we questioned gave sworn statements that he had been shouting angrily, mentioning on several occasions a stegosaurus and a pterodactyl. Given Mr. Damon’s well-documented compulsion for collating dinosaur facts and this morning’s revelations over just how far he may be prepared to go to secure that information, we are leaving no stone unturned in our search for the truth.”

Detective Sergeant Douglas would not be drawn further on rumours the police were working on the theory that the two assailants may have been members of Anonymous, and that the attack was intended to squeeze Mr. Lennon for any information he may have had on the afore-mentioned dinosaur species.

“That Damon’s daft on dinos,” said Douglas, adding “I wouldn’t put it past him.”