Eleanor 'Tiny Torpedo' Simmonds

In stark contrast to the nation’s overall economic and social woes, the Great Britain Paralympics team returned home jubilant today on a gold-nosed plane having finished second on the overall medals table. Out of a haul of 102 chocolate coins 42 were gold, giving the team a total of 510 seconds (8 1/2 minutes) inside Richard O’Brien’s crystal dome. Olympic officials were quick to point out that subtracting the silver and bronze coins would mean the team have actually only earned 25 seconds inside the dome, but Team GB chief Phil Lane is unperturbed.

 ”We have a very definite strategy for our remaining time inside the dome. Our athletes of restricted growth will busy themselves scouring the floor for gold tickets, while that bloke with the bendy metal leg will be hopping like a fuck-nutter for those gathered in the apex. The remaining team members will flail their arms wildly in support whilst sticking out their tongues, though that’s a bit of a busman’s holiday for the ‘tards. It’s in the bag, basically.”

 Lane is confident that his mottley assortment of mis-shapes can bring further cheer to a nation besieged by economic and social insecurity.

 ”I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these guys can bag a net profit of at least 100 gold tickets, and that means a day out on a jetski on Lake Windermere for every man, woman and child in Britain. What could lift spirits more than that?”