The Top Banana » Craig’s Inflatable Soapbox

Outrage! Shock! Anger!

Craig Eastman — Mon, 25 May 2009 12:33:20 +0000

OH NO! North Korea have tested another nuclear weapon! I can’t believe… I… I… AAAAAARGH! (Ducks and covers).

Poet Schmoet

Craig Eastman — Fri, 01 May 2009 13:57:31 +0000

Fascinating that in this day and age the story of Carol Ann Duffy being appointed Poet Laureate is sold by the media not on the basis of the quality of her body of work, but rather because she is the first woman appointed to the post. What I want to know is; what is she doing out of the bloody kitchen?

Global Brown-out

Craig Eastman — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 10:36:54 +0000

Q: Is there anything funnier (or more pathetic, depending on your sense of humour), than a pasty, charisma-free imbecile touring the world, trying to tell everyone in the known universe what to do with their money in the middle of a financial crisis that he, in his belief as chancellor that checks and balances among the banks were a superfluous barrier to free movement, helped to precipitate?

A: No. No there is not.

Taxed to the max

Craig Eastman — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:21:33 +0000

So then, the hot potato of UK government plans for a minimum price on alcohol in England. The BBC’s forums are awash with angry protestation from individuals who bemoan further stealth taxes, missing two crucial points: a) the plans have been scrapped already and b) who the hell said anything about raising tax on alcohol? You’ve got to love Pavlovian Conditioning…

Grow up

Craig Eastman — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 16:39:38 +0000

If one more person asks me for a wallet with a coin pocket this week I’ll bloody throttle them. These are the same people who want jeans with a zip fly and velcro on their trainers. Grow up. A wallet with a coin pocket isn’t a wallet at all; it’s a purse. Women carry purses. Put your coins in your fucking pocket like a man.

Local News Bollocks

Craig Eastman — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 09:31:55 +0000

I’m all for local news in print; a lot of poor smelly people don’t understand the scary world outside of their own two-bit shit tip town, nor do many of them want to. Giro please. What I’m saying to you is this: how can we elevate their expectations if low-rent local papers like The Ellesmere Port Standard continue to pander to the ill-educated bleeding heart mentality I thought we’d seen the last of when Esther Rantzen’s pitiful Hearts of Gold left our weeping TV screens.

Take this week’s cover story titled Little fighter McKenzie loses battle: Brain disorder claims life of brave little boy. There’s nothing enjoyable or funny about a small child popping his clogs in most (I won’t say “all”) circumstances, but do we really need to make him out to be some sort of hero for the sake of the old Post Office queue spinsters and lazy, jobless benefit sponges who have nothing better to talk about? You’ll notice also that the “Little fighter” bit isn’t in inverted commas, which tells us this is an editorial decision to impose a forcefully emotional overtone and not a quote from someone close to the boy.

Call me callous, but how much bravery does it take to die of a brain disorder, especially when you’re blatantly too young to even comprehend either the situation you’re in or the very notion of death itself? Substitute “brave” for “innocent” and we’ll talk. Until then please refrain from such sentimental bullshit. I spent a good one pound twenty on these cornflakes and I’d rather not sick them back up quite so soon after breakfast.