The Top Banana » Newsflashes

Damon Digs Dino Dancefloor

Craig Eastman — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 11:54:05 +0000

Damon: star craves dino info

Sources close to Hollywood megastar Matt Damon have told the Top Banana the actor is “peeing himself with excitement” over the discovery of an unusually large congregation of fossilisied dinosaur footprints on the border between Arizona and Utah. Covering roughly a third of a hectare, the densely packed prints have astonished scientists who previously thought the depressions were mere erosion potholes, and the area has consequently been dubbed a “dinosaur dancefloor”. The site is believed to have been a watering hole at a time when the area was mostly covered in desert. Damon’s representatives have yet to confirm the Top Banana’s idle speculation that the star may have requested a plaster cast replica of the site for the purpose of “personal physical gratification”. That boy’s daft on dinos…

The Ernst & Whatthefuck?

Craig Eastman — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 10:26:25 +0000

So then, “economic forecast group” The Ernst & Young Item Club. Who the fuck are they, and what the fuck do they do? According to their website they “meet [their] clients’ needs for objective economic forecasts” and are “the only economic forecasting group to use the HM Treasury model of the UK economy”. Which is presumably why they are only this morning announcing the UK is in recession and, like the HM Treasury, don’t seem to have forecast it much in advance at all. Fucking eejits…

Menezes officers did nothing wrong

Scott Morris — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 11:10:23 +0000

According to the Beeb, Deputy Assistant Commissioner Cressida Dick said: “If you are asking me did we do anything wrong or unreasonable, then I don’t think we did.”

You shot him in the head. Seven times.

Christ on a stick.

As an addendum, should any more doubt as to the anti-excellence of this operation need be expressed, take a look at this compar-a-tron of the guy supposed to be under watch compared to the guy who had his head ventilated. Similar, no? Correct. No.

X Factor fills God vacuum, says head

Scott Morris — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 08:27:28 +0000

According to the improbably named Tim Hastie-Smith as reported in The Grauniad. I’ve always like moral vacuums myself, very effective on even ground in dirt on the deepest shag pile. The implication that more single faith schools rather than the obviously ideal number of none should be striven for is rather worrying, but seeing as we’re about to be econobombed back to the Stone Age I suppose it’s a moot point.

Bradford gets Bingley’d

Scott Morris — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:49:26 +0000

Treasury in talks to secure B&B, as another venerable financial setup looks to get its ass Northern Rocked. We didn’t set this site up purely to chronicle the demise of capitalism and return to a barter economy, but that looks to be the way it’s going.