OH NO! North Korea have tested another nuclear weapon! I can’t believe… I… I… AAAAAARGH! (Ducks and covers).

Fascinating that in this day and age the story of Carol Ann Duffy being appointed Poet Laureate is sold by the media not on the basis of the quality of her body of work, but rather because she is the first woman appointed to the post. What I want to know is; what is she doing out of the bloody kitchen?

Q: Is there anything funnier (or more pathetic, depending on your sense of humour), than a pasty, charisma-free imbecile touring the world, trying to tell everyone in the known universe what to do with their money in the middle of a financial crisis that he, in his belief as chancellor that checks and balances among the banks were a superfluous barrier to free movement, helped to precipitate?

A: No. No there is not.

So then, the hot potato of UK government plans for a minimum price on alcohol in England. The BBC’s forums are awash with angry protestation from individuals who bemoan further stealth taxes, missing two crucial points: a) the plans have been scrapped already and b) who the hell said anything about raising tax on alcohol? You’ve got to love Pavlovian Conditioning…

If one more person asks me for a wallet with a coin pocket this week I’ll bloody throttle them. These are the same people who want jeans with a zip fly and velcro on their trainers. Grow up. A wallet with a coin pocket isn’t a wallet at all; it’s a purse. Women carry purses. Put your coins in your fucking pocket like a man.

I’m all for local news in print; a lot of poor smelly people don’t understand the scary world outside of their own two-bit shit tip town, nor do many of them want to. Giro please. What I’m saying to you is this: how can we elevate their expectations if low-rent local papers like The Ellesmere Port Standard continue to pander to the ill-educated bleeding heart mentality I thought we’d seen the last of when Esther Rantzen’s pitiful Hearts of Gold left our weeping TV screens.

Take this week’s cover story titled Little fighter McKenzie loses battle: Brain disorder claims life of brave little boy. There’s nothing enjoyable or funny about a small child popping his clogs in most (I won’t say “all”) circumstances, but do we really need to make him out to be some sort of hero for the sake of the old Post Office queue spinsters and lazy, jobless benefit sponges who have nothing better to talk about? You’ll notice also that the “Little fighter” bit isn’t in inverted commas, which tells us this is an editorial decision to impose a forcefully emotional overtone and not a quote from someone close to the boy.

Call me callous, but how much bravery does it take to die of a brain disorder, especially when you’re blatantly too young to even comprehend either the situation you’re in or the very notion of death itself? Substitute “brave” for “innocent” and we’ll talk. Until then please refrain from such sentimental bullshit. I spent a good one pound twenty on these cornflakes and I’d rather not sick them back up quite so soon after breakfast.

Damon: star craves dino info

Sources close to Hollywood megastar Matt Damon have told the Top Banana the actor is “peeing himself with excitement” over the discovery of an unusually large congregation of fossilisied dinosaur footprints on the border between Arizona and Utah. Covering roughly a third of a hectare, the densely packed prints have astonished scientists who previously thought the depressions were mere erosion potholes, and the area has consequently been dubbed a “dinosaur dancefloor”. The site is believed to have been a watering hole at a time when the area was mostly covered in desert. Damon’s representatives have yet to confirm the Top Banana’s idle speculation that the star may have requested a plaster cast replica of the site for the purpose of “personal physical gratification”. That boy’s daft on dinos…

So then, “economic forecast group” The Ernst & Young Item Club. Who the fuck are they, and what the fuck do they do? According to their website they “meet [their] clients’ needs for objective economic forecasts” and are “the only economic forecasting group to use the HM Treasury model of the UK economy”. Which is presumably why they are only this morning announcing the UK is in recession and, like the HM Treasury, don’t seem to have forecast it much in advance at all. Fucking eejits…

According to the Beeb, Deputy Assistant Commissioner Cressida Dick said: “If you are asking me did we do anything wrong or unreasonable, then I don’t think we did.”

You shot him in the head. Seven times.

Christ on a stick. (more…)

According to the improbably named Tim Hastie-Smith as reported in The Grauniad. I’ve always like moral vacuums myself, very effective on even ground in dirt on the deepest shag pile. The implication that more single faith schools rather than the obviously ideal number of none should be striven for is rather worrying, but seeing as we’re about to be econobombed back to the Stone Age I suppose it’s a moot point.

Treasury in talks to secure B&B, as another venerable financial setup looks to get its ass Northern Rocked. We didn’t set this site up purely to chronicle the demise of capitalism and return to a barter economy, but that looks to be the way it’s going.

Oooh, well done Woody. You really understand British culture soooo well, and have made such an entertaining film. Well done Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrel, especially on your massively convincing accents that don’t at all sound like Dick Van Fucking Dyke. Do one, you poxy spunkbag.