Lord love a duck...

Amid the furore over Mp’s expenses during the last 14 days, aren’t we missing the point in lambasting Tory back bencher Sir Peter Viggers who today announced he was retiring at the behest of David Cameron?

Amidst expenses claims for various gardening projects totalling some £30,000 was a relatively meagre outlay of £1,645 for a “duck island”, identical to the one shown here, which provides a safe haven for waterfowl amidst the distressingly opulent surroundings of Sir Viggers’ back yard.

Rather than a spiteful show of contempt for the British taxpayer, shouldn’t Sir Viggers’ endeavours instead be hailed as a triumph of nature preservation in a harsh economic time where environmental budgets are otherwise facing decimation? Clearly Sir Viggers has the best interests of our billed buddies at heart, and is in no way interested in populating his garden with expensive follies on a tab picked up by those of us in gainful employment.

The Top Banana salutes you, Viggers. May your altruistic endeavours in the name of the humble British water fowl continue well into your retirement, where we are sure you will have more than enough spare cash to continue your pricelss preservation work.

Come on out, slant. I know you're in there!

Colonel Charlie Williamson of the United States Air Force has gone on record for BBC Radio 4 to announce that, in his opinion, the US should be taking less of a back seat in the arena of cyber warfare and sticking more of a digital boot in against the likes of China.

His comments come in the wake of numerous reports of a step up in activity against US information networks, much of which appears to have originated from China.

Proposing the creation of an offensive botnet that would seek out weaknesses in foreign network interests and wreak havoc in revenge for future snooping on US systems, Williamson has also suggested that such a botnet be made public knowledge on the assumption that this would strike fear into the hearts of would-be attackers.

What strikes The Top banana as most terrifying is that such a senior figure in the US military would assume his government was not, in all likelihood, more than aware of the problem and presumably already in active development of such a system. Also, might we suggest that such ethically grey areas need not be made “public”, as one would assume the intended targets would have a good idea of where any such attack came from without having to tune in to Eddie Mayer at 9am to find out.

Going on to suggest that home users who failed to update their security software regularly could be legitimate targets, the good Colonel added “It may, in the right circumstance, be worthwhile and even fair for the US to hit a computer that is hitting us and stop it from harming us for an hour or days when that computer owner failed to take basic steps to protect us“.

Now, call me picky, but when I installed Zone Alarm at home the other week I did so with the intention of protecting my own arse and not that of the US military. The Top Banana might suggest Williams plug the security gap in his own cyber-spouting cakehole before he drops his employer in a deep ditch of digital doo-doo.

At least the overtime is good...

Another year, another pandemic threat. Really, if these pesky animals weren’t so tasty to eat I’d say kill them all and be done with it…

This time it’s “Swine Flu”, believed to have mutated from a heady concoction of pig, bird and human flu viruses and now, if you believe the press, threatening to sweep the globe in a devastating pincer movement of which we should all be TERRIFIED.

Of course, by “sweep the globe” I do actually mean “possibly have killed 159 Mexicans”.

Now, I’m no expert on transmittable disease, nor am I an authority on population density, but a quick Googling of “Mexico: talk to me” yields any number of credible sources, the most reliable of whom (the good old BBC) informs me that Mexico has a population of almost 108 million, much of that crammed into densely populated cities where disease is more easily transmitted.

So then, 159 out of 108,000,000. My standard soul-sapping office issue Casio MX-8 calculator doesn’t allow me to enter more than 8 digits, so I rely on Windows’ own calculator to tell me that this figure represents 0.000147% to six decimal places. Scaled down to accomodate the UK’s comparatively meagre 61 million peeps that would represent around 90 fatalities.

Now again, I’m no expert (“Craig, really, stop putting yourself down!” you cry), but I’m willing to bet that as fucked up as the British NHS is it still sits a cut above Mexican health care provisions. Factor in the population density of our cities being considerably less and allow for other criteria I am nowhere near intelligent enough to have considered and I’d be willing to bet that…

…ooooh, two people will die here in the UK? Tops. The only thing that concerns me about this outbreak is that the UK government has been quite forceful in it’s assertion to the public that they have prepared for this kind of an event “for years”, yet despite the World Health Organisation’s warning yesterday that the disease was no longer containable it will still be “days” before we UK citizens receive public health information guideline leaflets through our doors.

Not so prepared after all, then.

Nice work if you can retire from it

Now, the thing I like about this continuing kerfuffle about useless ex-RBS head Sir Fred Goodwin’s pension scheme, and I say ‘like’ in the sense that I ‘like’ being blinded with unbridled fury, is that it combines so many of my favourite things, and I say ‘favourite’ in the sense of ‘most infuriating’. Useless, greedy bankers, useless, hypocritical politicians, and the knee-jerk populism of pandering to tabloid media kangaroo-courtism. I’m so happy I could vomit.

Obvious points first, I suppose. Does Freddy deserve the better part of a seven hundred thousand spondoolicks a year for presiding over a well-publicised catastrophic collapse? Well, no, but it’s similarly difficult to justify your average Premier League footballer’s weekly wage, especially if they hit a run of bad form. Perceived values aside, there’s these things called ‘contracts’ that determine this sort of thing, which has some sort of legal basis behind it, I gather. Y’know, speaking as a layman.

Which makes it rather surprising that the all-round disappointing use of carbon that represents Harriet Harman is spouting such patent drivel as she has over the past few days. Harman, before taking her current post as Gordon Brown’s Official Wingperson was Minister of Justice and claims to be a lawyer. So one would be forgiven for thinking that she may have some interest in the rule of law, and that sort of thing. Y’know, speaking as a layman.

Statements, such as was made to the Beeb such as “The prime minister has said that it is not acceptable and therefore it will not be accepted” and “…it might be enforceable in a court of law, this contract, but it is not enforceable in the court of public opinion and that is where the government steps in” show not only a baffling confusion between the role of Prime Minister and role of Tinpot Dictator, but also demonstrate a clear intent by a government to ignore all established legal frameworks to satiate a baying mob stoked up by tabloid journalism. Given that there is no legal recourse for stripping Fred Fauntleroy, the only possible interpretation of her statements is that they are proposing pushing through a law designed specifically for this one case.

This is lunacy. This is stupidity. If this has, for some reason, become an endemic problem with banking executive’s pensions then why not tackle this through a robust series of financial regulation that, while they’re at it, will ensure that our banks don’t piss all our money up the wall and collapse? Well, a bit late for that, I suppose, but wasn’t it a good, blindingly obvious idea?

I have two real problems with this mess. We already have a number of ways of getting money from people. Income tax, capital gains tax, we have more taxes that we know what to do with. Surely, one would think, if the public are getting this angry over one massive pension payout, they must be equally angry about all of the other massive pension payouts? Could, perhaps, a tax on the ludicrously well-off be the way forward? Our would such an outbreak of social justice perhaps cause New Labour’s financial backers to rethink their positions?

Secondly, there’s the continued insistence that Gordy Brown knew nothing about these pension arrangements, and couldn’t possible be expected to know anything about it, and none of it’s his fault and we should all trust our PM in these trying times. Leaving aside the issue that under his watch as both Chancellor and Prime Minister he sleptwalk into the single greatest financial disaster in recorded history, let’s take a look at who, precisely was so bullish about the gunpoint merger and patented ‘renationalisation without any of the benefits’ scheme? Oh. The Broon.

People, largely politicians, bemoan the public’s continuing disengagement with the political process and the increasing levels of cynicism. Yet at the same time, they make no effort to stop being oafish bunglers who’ll happily swear that black is white safe in the knowledge that laws do not apply to them, as evidenced by Jack ‘The Demon Headmaster’ Straw’s recent veto of the Freedom of Information Act demand for the cabinet minutes relating to the decision to go to war in Iraq. A decision, incidentally, in which that pesky public opinion that is so important now was utterly ignored.

My only consolation in all of this mess is that in five year’s time when we’re all staving each other’s heads in with rocks after humanity’s utter collapse politicians will likely be the first up against the wall.

Obama: black is back

America. America, America, America. You have no idea how proud I am of you today. Today you grew up. Today you made me realise I could no longer rip the pish with impunity; that you are capable, when the chips are down, of making the right choice. Mind you, it was a choice between that and an animated corpse whose sidekick believes in witches. Hmmmm…

Words cannot describe how relieved I am not just for you, but for the rest of the world. There is a palpable sense that if Americans can shrug off their global image as self-serving, ignorant greed-mongers and  make a difficult choice for change then we might just yet avoid going to hell in that proverbial handcart. Obama has a huge struggle ahead, and we need immediately to put aside the excitement of America’s first black president and what that represents to deal decisively with the issues that will make or break us all.

Eight years ago I sighed in dismay at your choice. This morning I forgive you. I just hope the man can follow through on his promise.

Gobama!

McCain vs. Obama: doon the slabbies, half past three

America: the time is now. Vote for change. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, vote for the old dude and the religious nutter. The entire known world wants you to vote for Obama. It’s really simple. You don’t have to think because we’ve already done that for you. Listen to my voice. Vote for Obama. Please.

Minffordd: this is a local town for local people...

Taffy news now. Residents of the sleepy Gwynedd village of Minffordd have been issued with recording equipment by the local council after reports of a sporadic low frequency humming noise, first detected two years ago, have finally started coming to a head.

Residents of the quiet village have found themselves disturbed by the noise at various intervals, often in the middle of the night, yet nobody seems to be able to offer an explanation for the strange phenomenon.

Rest assured the Top Banana will keep you bang up to date with developments in this most devastatingly interesting of sagas.

Purnell: Secretary for Oops

Another day, another data dick. The very day after Secretary for Work and Pensions James Purnell issued a public apology for absent-mindedly leaving sensitive documents lying on a train it is the turn of government subcontractor Atos Origin to hang it’s head in shame. An unnamed Atos employee seems to have seen fit to leave a memory stick, containing names and passwords for a government computer system, lying in a pub car park.

While the Top Banana would normally commend Atos Origin in it’s attempt to extend consumer choice in pubs from the current selection of knock-off dvds, fags and perfume, we would rather they branched a little less farther out in future.

The system in question can be accessed by the public via the government’s Gateway website, and allows users access to self-assessment tax return and child benefit records amongst other information. While Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been quick to promise he “will root out this problem about leaving things around” (surely that should be “problem of”, as there is clearly no problem “about” ministers leaving stuff lying at their arse, Gordon), nobody seems to be questioning why anyone, let alone an outside contractor, should have any need to carry this information about on a portable storage medium in the first place.

To what end might a database of user names and passwords for a system of public records be taken, on a memory stick, to a pub, on a Saturday night? Hmmmmmm…

Keep up to date with this history of government data fuck-ups, courtesy of the BBC. 8 so far this year alone. Now that’s impressive.

US VP Candidate Sarah Palin

I address the following to Marc Antoine Audette and sidekick Sebastien Trudel. Phone pranks can indeed be funny, but in targeting someone who already lives in a dream world where dinosaurs lived alongside man just 4,000 years ago you are hardly pushing the envelope of your craft. That is all.

Parkinson: time for bed now grandad.

Proving his finger is ever on the popular pulse, esteemed master of the personal interview Sir Michael Parkinson has spoken out on a Radio 5 Live interview about the now tiresome furore over Sachsgate. Parky joins a growing host of voices from TV and radio who have seen fit to mump their gums over the issue since it was sparked by a broadcast of Russel Brand’s popular Radio 2 show on the 18th of October. Unfortunately for Parky, as valid as his views may be, the world is now thoroughly sick to the back fucking teeth of hearing about it and we’d rather everyone involved simply vapourised in one big cloud of celebrity atoms.

This vaguely human, cancerous growth deserves no caption.

Austria’s most infamous recent addition to the world news canon Josef Fritzl (or as we like to refer to him The Daughter-Raping Bastard Who Deserves to Die a Thousand Deaths), has told his psychiatrist “I was born to rape and I held myself back for a relatively long time”.

Other gems among his personal insights include his description of being a “volcano” with a “flood of destructive lava that was barely controllable”. Such a tortured romantic notion of one’s self, I’m sure you’d agree.

The comments were revealed when a recent written assesment of his mental state was leaked to the press. Dr Adelheid Kastner concludes in her 130 page report that Fritzl is fit to stand trial and is “highly likely” to re-offend if released. Dr Kastner reveals much of her talks with Fritzl in the paper, which delves in some depth into Fritzl’s relationship with his mother who appears to have belittled him constantly from an early age. Well boo-hoo.

I find it difficult to extend my sympathy to a man over his troubled childhood when he has seen fit to lock his own daughter in a cellar for 24 years and rape her so frequently as to have fathered 7 children. There can be no justification for such actions by an adult regardless of their circumstances as a child, since millions of years of evolution have embedded in us all a fairly basic moral compass which I’m pretty positive says “this is wrong” round about the point where your own daughter is looking in your eyes crying, screaming and begging for you to stop sexually abusing her.

As a grown man, albeit with the propensity to be astronomically immature at times, I cannot, no matter how hard I try, even begin to understand the mindset of any man who forces himself upon a woman, let alone his own offspring and in such a horrendous, massively prolonged fashion as this.

As I ponder Fritzl’s remarks I find myself reminded of the words of author Thomas Harris’ character Will Graham, who said of another monster “As a child my heart bleeds for him. As an adult I think someone should blow him out of his fucking socks.”

Pass me the gun and I’ll do it with pleasure.

Green: Fuck knuckle extraordinaire

Stephen Green, self-proclaimed authority on the Absolute Word of God and mouthpiece for the organisaton Christian Voice, has unleashed the simplest yet most devastatingly hypocritical statement in the history of history.

In response to news that the British Humanist Association plans to use London busses to promote the commendable message “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life”, Green, who was quick to be outspoken on his views regarding the controversy-baiting Jerry Springer: The Musical, and who in September of 2006 walked the streets of Cardiff during it’s Mardi Gras festival handing out anti-gay Christian propaganda leaflets, told the press:

“People don’t like being preached at”.

…the…

…well…

Words fail me at this point, so let me direct you to this excellent interview over at Media Watch Watch and the accompanying reader comments, both of which highlight how far removed from reality this man actually is many more times efficiently than I ever could.

WARNING: Your benchmark for human hatred may be irreversibly reset. The Top Banana takes no responsibility for articles published by external sites linked to from this post. The Top Banana reserves the right to draw heavily biased conclusions against religious zealots. The Top Banana is a wholly owned subsidiary of Common Sense.

Boom-wow! Powell drops the endorsement bomb on Senator McCain on US TV

Hats off to Colin Powell.  The former Republican chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Secretary of State has delivered a brilliantly timed blow to the hopes of Presidential wannabe John McCain.

In a week where McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin bizarrely chose to cement her status as the World’s Biggest Joke by appearing on Saturday Night Live, Powell has hammered home the sentiment behind his dignified exit from George W. Bush’s cabinet with an endorsement of Barack Obama’s campaign that will leave his party reeling.

Speaking on US TV Powell, a keystone figure in the Republican party since leaving the army for a career in politics, said he backed Obama “because of his ability to inspire, because of the inclusive nature of his campaign, because he is reaching out all across America”.

Powell’s decision to step down from his position in the Bush administration was widely seen as condemnation for the government’s thinly-veiled misinformation over the weapons of mass destruction scandal; a dossier for war that Powell himself was charged with selling to the American public and world leaders. That he has chosen his moment so carefully after maintaining dignified silence over his reasons for leaving speaks volumes about a man who senses the atmosphere in America is right for a sea change in administration.

McCain and his dino-loving comedy sidekick are now firmly on the back foot, and with a mere fortnight to go until America hits the polling booths the scene is set for a potential Democratic whitewash. If that happens history may just show the irony of a Republican purposefully securing a win for the opposition.

Colin, I salute your strategic genius, your decorum and your conviction. And the fact that you pronounce your name in true Scottish fashion.

I'll get you, Butler!

In a move that has blindsided the entire world, Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is not playing with the toys given to him for his birthday by the UN recently. In a “rattle out of pram” scenario that absolutely nobody could possibly have seen coming, Mugabe has pulled the rug from under the power-sharing deal he agreed with former opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai and appointed his own people in charge of several key ministries within the newly formed government.

The move comes as a shock to the international community due to Mugabe’s spotless record for cooperation and numerous prior acts of unprecedented altruism.

Seriously though, what was the point of this “power sharing” deal ever going to be when one half has a proven track record of violently opposing democratic election, never mind sharing? The very notion of a sharing deal flies in the face not just of common sense, but most importantly the right of the people of Zimbabwe to have a democratically elected leader who is not a sociopath and who nobody wants in control of a single aspect of Zimbabwean life, no matter how insignificant. Ever.

No doubt the removal of Mugabe would plunge Zimbabwe once more into dark times, and yes; many people would die. We seem to have forgotten however that several tens of millions of people died a little over fifty years ago in order to put paid to fascism in Europe, and if the price of your loved ones living a free life is that you must risk your own then it’s time the politicians stopped mollycoddling the situation, spent a couple of quid putting a bullet through Mugabe’s ridiculously be-moustached face and get stuck in about the situation.

And if they can’t do that then they should just back the hell off entirely and stop pretending to have any interest in promoting democracy.

*** UPDATE! *** UPDATE! *** UPDATE! ***

It has been brought to my attention that if Robert Mugabe were to be shot in the face he would, in all likelihood, be unable to enjoy the proposed remake of cult 80s song and dance classic Footloose, which will apparently star Zac Efron.

Shock Docs Abdulla and Asha

The two NHS doctors accused of masterminding last year’s failed bomb attacks on Glasgow and London “sought wholesale murder” Woolwich Crown Court heard today. Bilal Abdulla, whose arse was thoroughly handed to him outside his burning car at Glasgow airport by folk hero John Smeaton, stands accused of preparing the explosive devices inside a number of cars at locations throughout Scotland and England, all of which failed to detonate. His accused partner in preparing the devices Kafeel Ahmed died later in hospital after receiving burns during the Glasgow plot.

Mohammad Asha stands accused of masterminding the attacks, providing planning and “behind the scenes” support for the dastardly plot which could have claimed many innocent lives. The trio were apparently motivated by what they saw as the unfair treatment of Muslims throughout the world by British military forces.

Now, call the Top Banana stupid, but surely as doctors these men need not really have gone to such lengths in order to strike fear into the heart of British society. There are two important points I consider today in light of this case:

a) Given the number of foreign doctors working in the British NHS, Asha, Ahmed and Abdulla need only have martyred themselves in so much as allowing a raft of patients to die in order to cause widespread fear and panic. Imagine the number of ignorant old colonialist dears on waiting lists for surgery by a quack with an even vaguely Muslim-sounding name. The NHS would have practically ground to a halt as people refused crucial treatments, all the while demanding that the staff in question “go back where they came from”. All that palaver with mixing chemicals, outfitting cars and blowing yourself up seems like awfully hard work to me.

b) If Asha and Abdulla are sent down for a stretch they will be unable to enjoy the proposed remake of cult 80s song and dance classic Footloose, which will apparently star Zac Efron.