Obama: black is back

America. America, America, America. You have no idea how proud I am of you today. Today you grew up. Today you made me realise I could no longer rip the pish with impunity; that you are capable, when the chips are down, of making the right choice. Mind you, it was a choice between that and an animated corpse whose sidekick believes in witches. Hmmmm…

Words cannot describe how relieved I am not just for you, but for the rest of the world. There is a palpable sense that if Americans can shrug off their global image as self-serving, ignorant greed-mongers and  make a difficult choice for change then we might just yet avoid going to hell in that proverbial handcart. Obama has a huge struggle ahead, and we need immediately to put aside the excitement of America’s first black president and what that represents to deal decisively with the issues that will make or break us all.

Eight years ago I sighed in dismay at your choice. This morning I forgive you. I just hope the man can follow through on his promise.

Gobama!

If one more person asks me for a wallet with a coin pocket this week I’ll bloody throttle them. These are the same people who want jeans with a zip fly and velcro on their trainers. Grow up. A wallet with a coin pocket isn’t a wallet at all; it’s a purse. Women carry purses. Put your coins in your fucking pocket like a man.

McCain vs. Obama: doon the slabbies, half past three

America: the time is now. Vote for change. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, vote for the old dude and the religious nutter. The entire known world wants you to vote for Obama. It’s really simple. You don’t have to think because we’ve already done that for you. Listen to my voice. Vote for Obama. Please.

Minffordd: this is a local town for local people...

Taffy news now. Residents of the sleepy Gwynedd village of Minffordd have been issued with recording equipment by the local council after reports of a sporadic low frequency humming noise, first detected two years ago, have finally started coming to a head.

Residents of the quiet village have found themselves disturbed by the noise at various intervals, often in the middle of the night, yet nobody seems to be able to offer an explanation for the strange phenomenon.

Rest assured the Top Banana will keep you bang up to date with developments in this most devastatingly interesting of sagas.

Purnell: Secretary for Oops

Another day, another data dick. The very day after Secretary for Work and Pensions James Purnell issued a public apology for absent-mindedly leaving sensitive documents lying on a train it is the turn of government subcontractor Atos Origin to hang it’s head in shame. An unnamed Atos employee seems to have seen fit to leave a memory stick, containing names and passwords for a government computer system, lying in a pub car park.

While the Top Banana would normally commend Atos Origin in it’s attempt to extend consumer choice in pubs from the current selection of knock-off dvds, fags and perfume, we would rather they branched a little less farther out in future.

The system in question can be accessed by the public via the government’s Gateway website, and allows users access to self-assessment tax return and child benefit records amongst other information. While Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been quick to promise he “will root out this problem about leaving things around” (surely that should be “problem of”, as there is clearly no problem “about” ministers leaving stuff lying at their arse, Gordon), nobody seems to be questioning why anyone, let alone an outside contractor, should have any need to carry this information about on a portable storage medium in the first place.

To what end might a database of user names and passwords for a system of public records be taken, on a memory stick, to a pub, on a Saturday night? Hmmmmmm…

Keep up to date with this history of government data fuck-ups, courtesy of the BBC. 8 so far this year alone. Now that’s impressive.

US VP Candidate Sarah Palin

I address the following to Marc Antoine Audette and sidekick Sebastien Trudel. Phone pranks can indeed be funny, but in targeting someone who already lives in a dream world where dinosaurs lived alongside man just 4,000 years ago you are hardly pushing the envelope of your craft. That is all.

Parkinson: time for bed now grandad.

Proving his finger is ever on the popular pulse, esteemed master of the personal interview Sir Michael Parkinson has spoken out on a Radio 5 Live interview about the now tiresome furore over Sachsgate. Parky joins a growing host of voices from TV and radio who have seen fit to mump their gums over the issue since it was sparked by a broadcast of Russel Brand’s popular Radio 2 show on the 18th of October. Unfortunately for Parky, as valid as his views may be, the world is now thoroughly sick to the back fucking teeth of hearing about it and we’d rather everyone involved simply vapourised in one big cloud of celebrity atoms.