This vaguely human, cancerous growth deserves no caption.

Austria’s most infamous recent addition to the world news canon Josef Fritzl (or as we like to refer to him The Daughter-Raping Bastard Who Deserves to Die a Thousand Deaths), has told his psychiatrist “I was born to rape and I held myself back for a relatively long time”.

Other gems among his personal insights include his description of being a “volcano” with a “flood of destructive lava that was barely controllable”. Such a tortured romantic notion of one’s self, I’m sure you’d agree.

The comments were revealed when a recent written assesment of his mental state was leaked to the press. Dr Adelheid Kastner concludes in her 130 page report that Fritzl is fit to stand trial and is “highly likely” to re-offend if released. Dr Kastner reveals much of her talks with Fritzl in the paper, which delves in some depth into Fritzl’s relationship with his mother who appears to have belittled him constantly from an early age. Well boo-hoo.

I find it difficult to extend my sympathy to a man over his troubled childhood when he has seen fit to lock his own daughter in a cellar for 24 years and rape her so frequently as to have fathered 7 children. There can be no justification for such actions by an adult regardless of their circumstances as a child, since millions of years of evolution have embedded in us all a fairly basic moral compass which I’m pretty positive says “this is wrong” round about the point where your own daughter is looking in your eyes crying, screaming and begging for you to stop sexually abusing her.

As a grown man, albeit with the propensity to be astronomically immature at times, I cannot, no matter how hard I try, even begin to understand the mindset of any man who forces himself upon a woman, let alone his own offspring and in such a horrendous, massively prolonged fashion as this.

As I ponder Fritzl’s remarks I find myself reminded of the words of author Thomas Harris’ character Will Graham, who said of another monster “As a child my heart bleeds for him. As an adult I think someone should blow him out of his fucking socks.”

Pass me the gun and I’ll do it with pleasure.

Green: Fuck knuckle extraordinaire

Stephen Green, self-proclaimed authority on the Absolute Word of God and mouthpiece for the organisaton Christian Voice, has unleashed the simplest yet most devastatingly hypocritical statement in the history of history.

In response to news that the British Humanist Association plans to use London busses to promote the commendable message “There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life”, Green, who was quick to be outspoken on his views regarding the controversy-baiting Jerry Springer: The Musical, and who in September of 2006 walked the streets of Cardiff during it’s Mardi Gras festival handing out anti-gay Christian propaganda leaflets, told the press:

“People don’t like being preached at”.

…the…

…well…

Words fail me at this point, so let me direct you to this excellent interview over at Media Watch Watch and the accompanying reader comments, both of which highlight how far removed from reality this man actually is many more times efficiently than I ever could.

WARNING: Your benchmark for human hatred may be irreversibly reset. The Top Banana takes no responsibility for articles published by external sites linked to from this post. The Top Banana reserves the right to draw heavily biased conclusions against religious zealots. The Top Banana is a wholly owned subsidiary of Common Sense.

I’m all for local news in print; a lot of poor smelly people don’t understand the scary world outside of their own two-bit shit tip town, nor do many of them want to. Giro please. What I’m saying to you is this: how can we elevate their expectations if low-rent local papers like The Ellesmere Port Standard continue to pander to the ill-educated bleeding heart mentality I thought we’d seen the last of when Esther Rantzen’s pitiful Hearts of Gold left our weeping TV screens.

Take this week’s cover story titled Little fighter McKenzie loses battle: Brain disorder claims life of brave little boy. There’s nothing enjoyable or funny about a small child popping his clogs in most (I won’t say “all”) circumstances, but do we really need to make him out to be some sort of hero for the sake of the old Post Office queue spinsters and lazy, jobless benefit sponges who have nothing better to talk about? You’ll notice also that the “Little fighter” bit isn’t in inverted commas, which tells us this is an editorial decision to impose a forcefully emotional overtone and not a quote from someone close to the boy.

Call me callous, but how much bravery does it take to die of a brain disorder, especially when you’re blatantly too young to even comprehend either the situation you’re in or the very notion of death itself? Substitute “brave” for “innocent” and we’ll talk. Until then please refrain from such sentimental bullshit. I spent a good one pound twenty on these cornflakes and I’d rather not sick them back up quite so soon after breakfast.

Damon: star craves dino info

Sources close to Hollywood megastar Matt Damon have told the Top Banana the actor is “peeing himself with excitement” over the discovery of an unusually large congregation of fossilisied dinosaur footprints on the border between Arizona and Utah. Covering roughly a third of a hectare, the densely packed prints have astonished scientists who previously thought the depressions were mere erosion potholes, and the area has consequently been dubbed a “dinosaur dancefloor”. The site is believed to have been a watering hole at a time when the area was mostly covered in desert. Damon’s representatives have yet to confirm the Top Banana’s idle speculation that the star may have requested a plaster cast replica of the site for the purpose of “personal physical gratification”. That boy’s daft on dinos…

So then, “economic forecast group” The Ernst & Young Item Club. Who the fuck are they, and what the fuck do they do? According to their website they “meet [their] clients’ needs for objective economic forecasts” and are “the only economic forecasting group to use the HM Treasury model of the UK economy”. Which is presumably why they are only this morning announcing the UK is in recession and, like the HM Treasury, don’t seem to have forecast it much in advance at all. Fucking eejits…

Boom-wow! Powell drops the endorsement bomb on Senator McCain on US TV

Hats off to Colin Powell.  The former Republican chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Secretary of State has delivered a brilliantly timed blow to the hopes of Presidential wannabe John McCain.

In a week where McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin bizarrely chose to cement her status as the World’s Biggest Joke by appearing on Saturday Night Live, Powell has hammered home the sentiment behind his dignified exit from George W. Bush’s cabinet with an endorsement of Barack Obama’s campaign that will leave his party reeling.

Speaking on US TV Powell, a keystone figure in the Republican party since leaving the army for a career in politics, said he backed Obama “because of his ability to inspire, because of the inclusive nature of his campaign, because he is reaching out all across America”.

Powell’s decision to step down from his position in the Bush administration was widely seen as condemnation for the government’s thinly-veiled misinformation over the weapons of mass destruction scandal; a dossier for war that Powell himself was charged with selling to the American public and world leaders. That he has chosen his moment so carefully after maintaining dignified silence over his reasons for leaving speaks volumes about a man who senses the atmosphere in America is right for a sea change in administration.

McCain and his dino-loving comedy sidekick are now firmly on the back foot, and with a mere fortnight to go until America hits the polling booths the scene is set for a potential Democratic whitewash. If that happens history may just show the irony of a Republican purposefully securing a win for the opposition.

Colin, I salute your strategic genius, your decorum and your conviction. And the fact that you pronounce your name in true Scottish fashion.

I'll get you, Butler!

In a move that has blindsided the entire world, Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is not playing with the toys given to him for his birthday by the UN recently. In a “rattle out of pram” scenario that absolutely nobody could possibly have seen coming, Mugabe has pulled the rug from under the power-sharing deal he agreed with former opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai and appointed his own people in charge of several key ministries within the newly formed government.

The move comes as a shock to the international community due to Mugabe’s spotless record for cooperation and numerous prior acts of unprecedented altruism.

Seriously though, what was the point of this “power sharing” deal ever going to be when one half has a proven track record of violently opposing democratic election, never mind sharing? The very notion of a sharing deal flies in the face not just of common sense, but most importantly the right of the people of Zimbabwe to have a democratically elected leader who is not a sociopath and who nobody wants in control of a single aspect of Zimbabwean life, no matter how insignificant. Ever.

No doubt the removal of Mugabe would plunge Zimbabwe once more into dark times, and yes; many people would die. We seem to have forgotten however that several tens of millions of people died a little over fifty years ago in order to put paid to fascism in Europe, and if the price of your loved ones living a free life is that you must risk your own then it’s time the politicians stopped mollycoddling the situation, spent a couple of quid putting a bullet through Mugabe’s ridiculously be-moustached face and get stuck in about the situation.

And if they can’t do that then they should just back the hell off entirely and stop pretending to have any interest in promoting democracy.

*** UPDATE! *** UPDATE! *** UPDATE! ***

It has been brought to my attention that if Robert Mugabe were to be shot in the face he would, in all likelihood, be unable to enjoy the proposed remake of cult 80s song and dance classic Footloose, which will apparently star Zac Efron.

Shock Docs Abdulla and Asha

The two NHS doctors accused of masterminding last year’s failed bomb attacks on Glasgow and London “sought wholesale murder” Woolwich Crown Court heard today. Bilal Abdulla, whose arse was thoroughly handed to him outside his burning car at Glasgow airport by folk hero John Smeaton, stands accused of preparing the explosive devices inside a number of cars at locations throughout Scotland and England, all of which failed to detonate. His accused partner in preparing the devices Kafeel Ahmed died later in hospital after receiving burns during the Glasgow plot.

Mohammad Asha stands accused of masterminding the attacks, providing planning and “behind the scenes” support for the dastardly plot which could have claimed many innocent lives. The trio were apparently motivated by what they saw as the unfair treatment of Muslims throughout the world by British military forces.

Now, call the Top Banana stupid, but surely as doctors these men need not really have gone to such lengths in order to strike fear into the heart of British society. There are two important points I consider today in light of this case:

a) Given the number of foreign doctors working in the British NHS, Asha, Ahmed and Abdulla need only have martyred themselves in so much as allowing a raft of patients to die in order to cause widespread fear and panic. Imagine the number of ignorant old colonialist dears on waiting lists for surgery by a quack with an even vaguely Muslim-sounding name. The NHS would have practically ground to a halt as people refused crucial treatments, all the while demanding that the staff in question “go back where they came from”. All that palaver with mixing chemicals, outfitting cars and blowing yourself up seems like awfully hard work to me.

b) If Asha and Abdulla are sent down for a stretch they will be unable to enjoy the proposed remake of cult 80s song and dance classic Footloose, which will apparently star Zac Efron.

The man, the myth, the dunderbrained tithead.

While I suppose that the latest interview in The Grauniad provides more evidence to the already marvellously sizeable body of evidence that the fifty one year old, public school educated son of a Bishop (not a euphemism) is so entirely detached from reality that he may be in very real danger of fading out of existence entirely, his silly speech patterns are hardly a novel thing to be taking the piss out of.

However, it’s also never stopped being funny, so let’s all take time out to thank him in these dire times of economic strife to thank him for being so gosh-darn amusing. Albeit unintentionally.

Credibility scuppering disclaimer – I actually quite respect his contributions to the U.K. ‘urban’ (jeez, what a dumb term) music scene. It’s just a shame he sounds like such a tool.

According to the Beeb, Deputy Assistant Commissioner Cressida Dick said: “If you are asking me did we do anything wrong or unreasonable, then I don’t think we did.”

You shot him in the head. Seven times.

Christ on a stick. (more…)

iPod: now in a new colour for each of the 8 people who don't already own one.

The threat of Apple shutting down it’s iTunes store in response to a royalty rate hike on digital downloads in the States was averted yesterday after the Copyright Royalty Board settled on fixing the current rate for the next five years.

David Israelite, president of the National Music Publishers Association which tabled the proposed increase, seems to have forgotten his earlier stance completely, saying “These events will bring clarity and order to an environment that for the past decade has been hampered by litigation and uncertainty on all sides”.

Cleverly side-stepping the fact he was the one who wanted an increase in the first place, Israelite now seems content to tow the line. The Top Banana wonders if that’s the sound of one man being bitch-slapped by an entire industry somewhere off in the distance.

Some folks like gold, it is their favourite thing-a

It’s refreshing to see that in this age of increasing financial uncertainty, the world is reining in its spending somewhat. Well, apart from this £1.5 million statue of Kate Moss built from solid gold.

<Spits coffee over monitor>

From the desk of artist Marc “You ain’t seen nothing like the mighty” Quinn, this terrifyingly expensive trinket raises many questions about the value of art in a failing free market economy, how one lifts that much gold up the stairs and most importantly, why in the name of shitting hell would you lay out that much dough on a statue of the horrendous, stick thin, skanky drug hoover that is Kate Moss? “The ideal beauty of the moment”, my arse.

Not that I’m saying that my arse is the ideal beauty of the moment. Although it is, obviously.

For given, inverse values of ‘ideal’.

Royalty hike: what would Bono say?

In a move that flies in the face of all known financial logic, the Copyright Royalty Board will meet today to discuss the proposal that their cut of digital music sales in America should increase from 9 cents to 15 cents per track. The increase was tabled by the National Music Publisher’s Association who, having not heard of the rule we call “economies of scale”, decided that as sales of digital music downloads in the United States increased by 46% last year they clearly deserved to bump up the price.

The move has angered Apple who, in staunch refusal to pass on the increase to consumers or absorb the deficit themselves, have previously issued a thinly veiled threat to close their online iTunes Store in the face of any price increase. Having seen sales of traditional media in the states drop by 20% last year, the industry expects that the record companies will also refuse to absorb the increase.

In a statement that further illustrates how removed from reality they are, NMPA Chief Fucktard David “Ohhhh, oh-oh, oh oh-oh-ohhhhh” Israelite justified the proposed increase by stating “Apple may want to sell songs cheaply to sell iPods. We don’t make a penny on the sale of an iPod.” Clearly Mr. Israelite is unaware that in the history of recorded entertainment media no company which does not manufacture playback hardware itself has ever received a penny from the sale of said hardware.

In an earlier dispute over royalty proposals Eddy Cue, Apple’s Vice President for iTunes, made a statement in April 2007 to the Library of Congress making it clear that Apple was “in this business to make money, and would most likely not continue to operate iTS if it were no longer possible to do so profitably”. Apple are believed to pay 70% of it’s iTunes income to the record companies who are then responsible for passing on a share to the artists.

iTunes’ share of the digital music download market currently stands at 85%.